Parody Stories
by Hawk-Hotlips
Summary: Just a bunch of random MASH parodies that I made up submitted one at a time in chapters.
1. A Flock of Franks

1

**Parody Stories ** By: Hawk&Hotlips

_A/N: I know I have two MASH stories already (and two House ones too), but I couldn't keep this (these) stories in. They're just a bunch of little parody stories that I thought were pretty good. I got the first idea (infact I created it with a little help from LongLiveRock)_ _from the BCA message board. I think these will be fun. Parentheses are for the back-up singer(s)_

After working a long and hard thirty-six hours in OR, Frank snapped a little. In OR, he had been making up a new style of music for himself and was ready to preform for the whole camp. He called the style 'Nerts'(later it was called 'Rock') and he loved it. The new song he made up was a love ballad to Margaret titled, 'Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhhhhhhh Margaret'.

"Attention everyone, attention." Frank said calling everyone to the center of the camp a few hours later. He actually made up a band; Igor on guitar, Radar on drums, (he threatened Radar to do it) Rizzo doing the lighting, and Zale as back-up singer.

"What do you want Frank? Unlike you, some of us sleep in our bunks and not in OR." Hawkeye said. Everyone smirked a little.

"I made a song!" Frank said happily.

"A song Frank?" Col. Blake asked, "Have you flipped your lid?"

Ignoring that, Frank started the song by counting off, "1, 2, 3 4!" then the worst rock music imaginable started to play and to everyone's disgruntlement, Frank started singing,

"_I've got a hot baby and she's OK,_

_when I met her, it must have been the month of May,_

_even though I'm married I'm hidin' it OK,_

_her name is Margaret and she's just a hot babe!_

_Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhhhhhhhh Margaret! (Ohhhhhhhhh Margaret!)_

_Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Margaret! (Oh Margaret!)_

_Even though she's hot she's got a smart brain,_

_she' s the only woman I know that doesn't cause me painnnn! (Painnnnnn!)_

_She's got a tight, cute, bottom that doesn't wane,_

_and I'm really glad that she doesn't think that I'm a pain!_

_Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhhhhhhhhh Margaret! (Ohhhhhhh Margaret!)_

_Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhh Margaret! (Ohh Margaret!)_

_I can't take it anymore, I must marry her,_

_I know know she's not a dog because he doesn't go grr,_

_we hate taking picnics because we always get burrs, (they got burrs)_

_I hate all dogs because of their itchy, scratchy fur! (Fur!)_

_Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhhhhh Margaret! (Ohhhhh, Margaret!)_

_Ne– Neeeeeeeeeeerts! Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Nerts, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Margaret! (Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Margaret!)_

There was probably more, but Frank couldn't sing anymore because he was being pelted with tomatoes and other fruit. He ran away and was promptly run over by a Jeep, he was OK, and only ran away when Col. Potter came and when Margaret got married.

That's the end of this chapter.


	2. Just a Plain Wierd Parody

1Quick announcement: When Frank got hit by the Jeep in the previous chapter, it hurt the JEEP, not Frank. Plus, the band was called the 'Flock of Franks'.

_A/N: I'm basing this chapter from the BCA message board called 'In OR', my first E-MASH thread. It has to do mostly with the amazing amount of characters (although not everyone) in seasons 1 through 11 (and movie and even book) and about the 'floods' of wounded they get._

"Alright, I got this one!" Duke Forrester yelled. "He's just got a chest wound!"

"May God help this one, he may just have a broken leg, but may God have mercy on this one. I'll take him temporarily." Major Hobson said to anyone in ear shot.

"I believe that I've got this one." Major Charles Emerson Winchester called.

"Hey! You shouldn't be here! By the way, I'll take the guy with the burnt leg!" Frank Burns called from the ambulance.

"Hey! You shouldn't be here!" Charles called back.

"Neither should I! I'm dead!" Henry Blake called, also from the ambulance.

"What the hell is going on?" Hawkeye Pierce called, wearing a Groucho Marx mask.

"I don't know!" Spearchucker Jones called back.

"Everyone got a patient?" Ugly John asked.

"I think so." Trapper John called back.

"Why are there so many people here? I thought some of these people went home!" BJ Hunnicut said with his moustache growing and not stopping.

"Alright! Everyone try to get your patients into the OR! More wounded will be coming soon!" Radar said over the P.A. "Until then, maybe you'll like this record!"

"WE'VE GOT WOUNDED! WE'VE GOT WOUNDED! WE'VE GOT WOUNDED!..." And on and on that went.

"Father! This man is dying! He needs his last rights!" Klinger yelled at him.

"Oh go stuff it! Col. Potter said one at a time, not like I used to do." Francis said, frustrated.

"Damn right! If anyone needs last rights, will get it one at a time!" Col. Potter called back, taking his patients in OR.

Later in OR, things got worse,

The record was playing, but faster and louder, "WE'VEGOTWOUNDED! WE'VEGOTWOUNDED!..." and still on and on.

Everyone was helping out, Radar, Zale, Rizzo, Igor, Ho-John, that McFarland guy whose son is a world class sprinter, of course the Nurses were helping too. But, there were so many wounded, that they had to get everyone else to help out. The constant call for scalpels, forceps, and things was so constant, that sanitation was no longer useful. It was, infact, dropped. Father Mulcahy had moved his last rights ceremony to Pre-Op because the line was going right out the door.

Perhaps worst of all, was the wounded. The record helped, but there was no one to get them, except Corporal Judson and Soon-lee, but it was too much for them, they ran into OR after the traffic jam of ambulance and Jeeps, and sky traffic of the helicopters started. The wounded just started piling up outside, so much infact, that they burst through the Pre-Op door. Father Mulcahy was infact buried by the wounded only seconds after they burst through. Then they started to spill into OR.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Margaret screamed as she was being buried and lost under the flood.

"MARGARET! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Frank yelled after her, as he jumped in to save her.

"Well, our unit can finally reach 99 now." Hawkeye said, jokingly.

"Joke it up Pierce!" Col. Potter yelled un-sarcastically.

Then the shells started to go off,

"Nothing could get worse!" BJ yelled as one shell go close, so close, it blew one wall off. "I spoke too soon!"

Then weirdest of all, it started to rain pies! Soon, the roof was so overloaded, it caved in!

"Now we'll be buried in blood and cherry filling goodness!" Trapper yelled as he slipped and was buried.

BJ's moustache was growing too large, infact, so much, it was suffocating him. He eventually fell from lack of oxygen, and he was buried.

Captain Spaulding then came in and started singing 'Suicide is Painless' but no one paid attention, so it eventually became background music. Then five different Generals came in, formed a chorus line, and started singing;

"_The world is ending! The world is ending!"_ and so on, until the whole camp was unfortunately buried in wounded and cherry (and other flavored) pies.

That's the end of this chapter.


	3. Pregnancies

1_A/N: Before I do any requests, I HAVE to do this chapter. It should have happened already actually. The song it is to the tune of Jingle Bells which I don't own either._

Hawkeye and Frank were in the Swamp sleeping while Trapper was in the latrine (luckily). They were disturbed by Margaret and Lieutenant Dish running and crashing through the door of the Swamp and both said;

"I'm pregnant."

"What the hell? Margaret do you know what time it is?" Hawkeye asked.

"The baby is Frank's."

"My baby is Hawky-poo's!" Dish said sweetly.

Both Hawkeye and Frank fainted at this point. Trapper now came in to find the scene unfolding.

"PREGNANT? YOU BOTH ARE? HAWKEYE AND FRANK ARE THE FATHER'S?" Then Trapper fainted also.

"Ahh! No! Hawkeye!" Dish screamed, kneeling down to help Hawkeye.

"Wh-when did this happen?" A groggy Hawkeye asked.

"Two weeks ago. Major Houlihan's too."

"So the Major's finally having a minor!" Hawkeye replied.

"Yes, and I have one thing to say,

_I hate Frank,_

_I hate Frank,_

_I wish he was never born,_

_He made me pregnant and I wish he were dead_

_now I'm full of scorn._

_I hate Frank,_

_I hate Frank,_

_he's an inept surgeon,_

_why's he here?_

_Why doesn't he go,_

_crawl back in a hole?_

(From Frank, now awake, the song turns into a rap)

_Nobody likes me!_

_No-nobody likes me!_

_NO-no-no-nobody likes me!_

_What's wrong with everybody?_

_I'm so hip and cool._

_I have a $35,000 house, two cars and a big stinkin' pool!_

Again, there was more, but he was chased out by Hawkeye. He was promptly hanged by the poll.

Nine months later,

"Push!" Henry yelled at Dish.

Dish pushes, and then dies from an aneurism . The baby is saved and is sent to the States.

Margaret had a miscarriage because Frank pushed her a few months ago, because she threatened to tell his wife, Louise. Margaret was alright though.

When Hawkeye found out about Dish, he only replied with, "Aww, she was such a dish."


	4. An OR Parody

1_A/N: This is somewhat similar to chapter two, (it's use of a lot of characters) but it deserves it's own chapter because it's about their efficiency._

OR, 2:00 AM in human time, two hundredhours or something to the like in Army time. After working a sixty hour shift, (something that became common during the Vietnam War) they still had a while to go. Everyone spontaneously, to be Frank, went completely loony!

Radar was the first, "We've gone sixty hours and have a while to go! Woo hoo!" followed by Radar donning a cheerleading outfit and saying, "Ra, ra, ra! Let's go team! We can do it." Then he did some dances and splits which, unfortunately, led to his infertility with his future wife.

Corporal Judson was next, "It's raining wounded!" Infact, it was, helicopters were tired of waiting for someone to be ready to unload them so they drop them. But what Corporal Judson was treating it like rain; he ran outside with his tongue sticking out, "I can taste blood woo hoo! Yes! Yes! YES!"

Hawkeye, while doing simple surgery, asked Henry, who cracked next, how he was doing,

"How are you doing Henry?"

"Well, my rusty fishing hook isn't doing anything, even after I attached it to my lead fishing pole."

Trapper, was partially asleep until then. He then said to himself,

"I wonder why we're still open, our unit, with our .98. I mean, that's less than 0! And we have Frank Burns! The best surgeon there is!"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." was Frank's reply, he was conspicuously asleep.

"Donald, how are you doing, hubby?" Margaret asked, sweetly.

"Don't call me hubby, we're divorced!" Donald replied angrily.

Frank woke up at this, "Finally! I can love you again Margaret!" And with that, he jumped at Margaret and kissed her. They died a few minutes later from suffocation.

"And I'm a doctor!" Duke Forrester said.

Just then, Klinger came in,

"I had a sex change!" he yelled in a high voice.

"Finally became a man, huh Klinger?" Charles Emerson Winchester III said.

"No!" Klinger shouted back. "I became a female! Also, I'm a model!" Then he/she strutted around the OR like doing a catwalk.

Father Mulcahy said to himself, "I wish we could just go home."

"I know what to do!" Major Hobson shouted. "Let's go outside and stand in the cold! If we all get frostbite, we can all go home!"

After everyone that was still alive agreed, they tried to open the doors. They wouldn't open, none of them would. Then they tried the windows, they managed to get one open just enough to let air in, but not enough for even Radar to get through. Then, one of the Nurses collapsed.

Hawkeye went over to her and said, "Oh my God! It's Dish!" he then checked her pulse, after he found that she died, probably from a heart attack, he said, "Ohhhhhh! She's dead! She was ssuch a dish..." Then he went to sulk and cry in a corner.

"How are you doing, Henry?" asked BJ.

"Oh! That little hook just pierced this guy's pancreas, but don't worry, Sherm's helping me."

"Even with my shaky hands I can still operate!" Sherman yelled to no one.

Just then, the ground shook violently.

"EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone shouted.

An earthquake that was a 10 on a Richter scale (it probably could have been higher) had hit Korea and opened a huge fault. So huge that the whole MASH unit sank into it, leaving all of the alive personal to go down with it, to a burning death. On the way down you could hear Father Mulcahy shout,

"I think I've developed Hepatitis!"

Only Rosie managed to escape the madness, but she was locked away forever in a hilarity school (asylum).

What a violent way for everyone else to die.

That's the end of this chapter.


	5. Radar's Death

1_A/N: On the BCA website, there is a story called 'The Grand Rapid's O'Rielly'. It involves Radar becoming sheriff of Grand Rapids, he also got married to Nurse Bigelow...it's under the rated 'R' section but it's truly horrible. Unfortunately John Cooper II owns that story, I'm just having fun with it._

**February 29, 1959**

**Grand Rapids, Minnesota**

It was a car chase, RADAR was being chased be MORTICIA ADDAMS. He had of course hired her to be deputy sheriff, and became good friends with the ADDAMSES. At the moment, they were shooting a scene for a movie about his work as a sheriff. BETTY COPERIN, the director, was always in danger. RADAR was dangerous after all. He was the most dangerous person in the world, it's a wonder that he wasn't in AMERICA'S most wanted.

Suddenly, RADAR jumped out of his car, making that car and MORTICIA'S car and herself crash into a mountain, killing her. When he jumped out, he had his gun out. He shot BETTY and escaped.

Later, he was thinking about FRANK BURNS and how he filled him full of lead. He did the same to the then, PENTECOSTAL, FATHER MULCAHY over a hat. He became so upset, that he decided to kill himself and be done with it.

That's just what he did. His MOTHER had a heart attack when she heard the news and died too. They were buried next to each other forever...

That's the end of this chapter.

_Sorry it's short, but this is almost a scene directly from the story, except I wrote this selection. I just couldn't let my skills deteriorate. He does write that way, though._


	6. The Little Angel

It was the middle of the night, about midnight to be exact. No one was awake. Even Klinger fell asleep on guard duty in this rare, comfortable weather.

Radar was deeply asleep, he had been worked for forty-eight hours cataloging the medicine, which really only took about half of the time but there was a delivery of hot water (1000 gallons!) And everyone kept taking showers (except for himself of course, he only showered once), especially the Nurses! So let's just say he went to bed with sweet dreams.

Now that it was night, things started to come alive, especially Radar's bear. He squirmed out of Radar's arms and put part of the blanket Radar was using in his arms, Radar never knew the difference. He

dropped down to the floor and snuck into Col. Potter's office. Since he WAS Radar's bear, he knew where everything was so he took the keys to the liquor cabinet and opened it and took out a bottle of scotch and drank heavily from it (heavy for him, he really only had the equivalent of a human sip). Slightly intoxicated, he closed the door to the cabinet and went back to Radar's office.

Now, he headed toward the door, Radar stirred a little and he froze. Nothing. He waited a few more moments and went outside.

He immediately went to the showers and plugged up all of the holes that Radar had drilled into the wall. He did this every night, but to no avail, Radar just unplugged them he next day, wondering who plugged them up in the first place.

Next, he went to the Swamp. He snuck in the door to find everyone asleep and got to work. First off, he managed to gather all of Hawkeye's nudist magazines and pushed them out the door and hid them in the bush, planning to burn them later. Hawkeye was used to this routine and always brought them back and put them all over the Swamp, trying to out-wit the person hiding them.

For BJ, he gathered all of his socks up for darning. He managed to get the needles in his little hands, but he discovered that he couldn't move them all that well. So he left them gathered at the foot of BJ's bed. BJ found this odd and wondered who did it.

For Major Winchester, he organized the records, and capped all of the open bottles of cognac. Next, he took the needle of the phonograph so it wouldn't wear down. Charles always thanked the angle that did this for him and always wanted to catch this person in the act of doing it but never stayed awake long enough for that to happen.

The last stop for tonight was Margaret Houlihan's tent. He never went to Father Mulachy's or Klinger's tent because they were never usually messy. Now in the Major's tent, he; turned off the lamp, organized her clothes, and picked up an assortment of objects off the floor. Margaret always thought she did this in her sleep and thought nothing of it.

It was getting to be dawn now, wounded might come soon or someone might wake up early and catch him in the act. So he went back to Radar's office and snuggled back into his arms only a few minutes before Radar woke up to start the morning report.


	7. Repitition

_A/N: Excuses be damned, I've been putting off writing of for far too long. Here's another parody chapter that focuses on a somewhat of an aspect of the MASH series. Here we go. Oh yeah and, everything else will be updated soon. To tell the truth, 'The Temporary Switch' will end soon, because, frankly, I'm tired of writing it. I own none of the following things that involve the MASH characters. Well anyway;_

The Post Operative ward was full of patients yet again. There had been a long OR session-about 36 hours worth-and the nurses and doctors on duty were very busy trying to rest the patient's needs something fierce. Infact, _every_ doctor and nurse was on duty due to the demands made by the patients.

"Hey, doc!" one patient yelled.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester III rushed over to this man because he was the one who operated on him.

"Is something wrong, soldier?"

"How am I?"

Charles hesitated telling him that when he operated, he had to save both the leg and the hand. He saved the leg but not the hand.

"Well, your right leg and right hand were hurt on a massive scale, but we managed to save the leg."

"How about my hand?" The patient looked almost too scared to hear the truth.

"I'm afraid that your hand had to be amputated. But you must understand, every bone in your arm was shattered beyond repair and most of the skin was burnt off. There was no way to save it." There, he had said it in the Winchester way; eloquent and succinct.

"Oh, dammit!" 

"Something wrong?"

"My life is my hands."

"What?" Charles was confused by this statement, but had a feeling that he had heard this before.

The patient was silent for a moment, but then he said, "I'm a concert pianist."

"A concert pianist?" Now Charles was sure he had heard this before.

"Yeah, that's right, a concert pianist."

Charles backed away slowly. It was too weird, he had already had a patient with the exact same problem. Although the dialog was different, it still was the same.

"Sara? Sara honey?"

Charles jumped at that. It was another patient he operated on, only this time he was sure he wouldn't make it, it was only a matter of time. He saw Nurse Kellye go over there to comfort the guy.

"I'm here." She said.

"Sara, I'm scared."

"What's there to be scared about?"

"Scared that I'll never see you again."

"Don't be, when you get discharged, we'll go on a picnic!" Kellye also knew that the patient wouldn't survive, she was just being nice.

"Yeah, I'll like that."

"I'll make fried chicken, water--"

"No, I never liked your fried chicken."

Nurse Kellye froze, she had a talk like this with another patient. They had had the same discussion but with different words.

"Alright, I'll make ham sandwiches." she simply said.

"Sara? Where are you? I can't hear you."

"I'm right here."

"Sara?" Then the patient seemed to relax, his eyes and mouth wide open. He was dead.

Nurse Kellye turned around and almost bumped into Major Winchester.

"Did you see that?" Nurse Kellye said.

"Yes I did. That happened before, didn't it?"

"Yes it did."

"Strange, I just got done talking to a patient who was upset that I amputated his hand."

"What's going on here?" Nurse Kellye asked, scared.

"I-I'm not sure." Charles whimpered.

Then all of a sudden, another Charles and Nurse Kellye appeared. They went to identical patients and received the situations but with different dialog. Needless to say, you know what happens next, reader.


End file.
